(this by far is not my best work, nor my favorite, but - it was thrown together very fast and very spur of the moment. i tried to work on figurative language and interesting metaphors. this is an unusual kind of piece for me so see what you think...)
Chances laugh like children swinging
The sun setting, mothers calling
Begging to stay out later
They laugh and laugh for as long as time allows them
Come and go like seasons running wild
For the forty year old man who can’t seem
To just get a grip on where all the time went
It raced by in a blur
They wave, sometimes smiling, sometimes crying
And sometimes you don’t even realize they’ve gone by
You just wish to god one will come back
So you can ride it to a fate that you chose
An elderly strolling down a street
Attempting to keep up with even the slowest of movers
Crying out on the inside trying to break loose
From the wrinkles and old memories
Old chances he did or did not take
Regrets he does and does not have
Life is full of chance
And full of chance to regret the chances you took
Wait for me please
Stop for just a moment, all I want is to see you
To see this slim chance at least look at me
Acknowledge my existence
But chances don’t come in part
They come in full, smacking you in the face
Whether you’re ready or not
And half the time you didn’t even know the chance was there at all.
2 comments:
you should take out the disclaimer. it sounds like an excuse because you don't want the audience to judge you too harshly.as it were, this is my favorite piece. and i'm not saying that your other pieces aren't good, but i think you should write more pieces like this. it's more thought provoking, the imagery is striking, and the rhythm is unsteady... kind of like chances are... reflecting on the piece.
i like it.
:]
I thought this was fine. The first simile, of the children swinging didn't make much sense to me. Maybe just because I think of summer, and laziness and ease when you later express that they move by quickly. I liked how you said "They wave". I liked the comparison to the forty year old man. I really loved your ending line, I thought that was good.
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