You Tell Me?

So do I lie?
Have I buried my feet deep underneath
The sand castles built by my
Cracked hands?

Do I deceive not only you,
But myself and my own heart?
Do I take myself for granted?
Or do I lie about the whole matter entirely?

Is it true what I tell you
When I look into your eyes
Dead ahead,
Without a skipping of my voice?

Lies are a part of my heart
A part of my mind
A part of my soul
And I’m sure any god would agree.

But you should ask yourself
Why would he lie?
Why would he deceive them all?
There must be a reason, right?

Right is right.
As long as a lie didn’t answer
For me
Or truth twisted itself in my hands.

So, in the end, do I lie?
Are my feet buried deep
In damp sand unable to break?
Well, you tell me.

Embers

Here I sit weeping
As if a thousand hot embers
Scraped my skin, with fury and angst
I try to form a thought, a speculation
But all that’s left is the dull ringing
Of a silence unwelcomed
By sore ears.

Willow tree branches licking my face
The breeze wraps itself around me
And the wild grasses pull me down
Into the ground, rooting me
Where I shall forever be seated.

In a state of complete emptiness
A clotted circulation of overused thoughts
Desires snuffed out with delicate execution
But the tears roll down dirt covered cheeks
Cleaning the torn face.

I seem to be in a place never ventured into
For I had never dared to let a spec
Of evidence through to the surface
That deep inside I was just like you
I was hurting like any person can.

I’m tasting a sensation never tasted
Smelling a gust of smells, new to the mind
Twirling around in bliss caused
By absolute and total misery
And the embers keep scraping.

Whipped up by the breeze of a thousand whispers
Whispers of secrets and untold lies
Hushed voices, daring to say ‘forever’
Daring to feel the absolute intimidation of the word ‘love’
And venturing into a land not ventured before.

I can close the book of a bad tale
And I can open to a new page
Fresh and alive with new promises and
Melancholies, but I still strive
Is this from my heart or my mind?

Whether it be mind
Whether it be heart
For once in forever
They may just be working in unison
And the tears stream down.

My Process

**EXPLICIT**

I took you as something special the first f***ing time I met you
And you turn around and shove it down my f***ing throat
Like I’m sh*t to you, like the sh*t on the bottom of your shoe
Well f**k you, you stupid son of a b***h
The worst f***ing part is you don’t even know you’re killing me
So should I just not give a damn?
No, f**k that, I should consume my g*d damn life around grasping for an unrealistic fantasy
That’s what you want from me anyways, f**k you, f**k you
I told you so many damn lies, this is what I get
But it wouldn’t have made a damn difference anyways
I would still wind up getting absolutely nothing but sh***y luck and a sh*t load of sadness
Anger and desperation, go to hell you stupid bastard
I hate you with a passion stronger than a F***ing million g*d damn suns
It’s all just wasted anger
Just wasted time, g*d damn time
I’ve wasted enough already what’s another four f***ing months in my life?
I hope when I pull the f***ing trigger
You get the picture bright and f***ing clear
It was your fault you g*d damn a** hole
It was your fault my f***ing corpse is laying at your feet
I hope you can live with yourself you dirt bag
Go to hell m****rf***er
But the love I feel towards you wins
And I wind up feeling like the sh*t I feel like now yet again
It’s just a process
A process you always win and a process that leaves me grasping for oxygen

Chances

(this by far is not my best work, nor my favorite, but - it was thrown together very fast and very spur of the moment. i tried to work on figurative language and interesting metaphors. this is an unusual kind of piece for me so see what you think...)


Chances laugh like children swinging
The sun setting, mothers calling
Begging to stay out later
They laugh and laugh for as long as time allows them
Come and go like seasons running wild
For the forty year old man who can’t seem
To just get a grip on where all the time went
It raced by in a blur
They wave, sometimes smiling, sometimes crying
And sometimes you don’t even realize they’ve gone by
You just wish to god one will come back
So you can ride it to a fate that you chose
An elderly strolling down a street
Attempting to keep up with even the slowest of movers
Crying out on the inside trying to break loose
From the wrinkles and old memories
Old chances he did or did not take
Regrets he does and does not have
Life is full of chance
And full of chance to regret the chances you took
Wait for me please
Stop for just a moment, all I want is to see you
To see this slim chance at least look at me
Acknowledge my existence
But chances don’t come in part
They come in full, smacking you in the face
Whether you’re ready or not
And half the time you didn’t even know the chance was there at all.

Love Of Mine, Someday You Will Die (Courtesty DCFC)

Let me ask you this-
When did it all start?
But more importantly-
When is it all going to end?

When does something so perfect,
So beautifully crafted,
Hit the ground and squirm,
Till death strikes it hard?

How did this seem so nice?
How could our eyes deceive us?
I feel like I’m down to him and me,
But where did the others go?

Was it not 10 moons ago we held
Each other tight and sound?
Was it not an eye blink ago
When she strode nicely beside?

Twenty-four, what a funny number,
Enough to turn stomachs upside down,
And enough for fallen friendships to
Bitterly end and die.

I’m not quite sure where the lines lie,
Other than nowhere near site –
Could it really be a matter of hours,
That he has just given up?

Literally or not, we all are bent,
Twisted, and broken.
Three days time I said goodbye
And in two hours he said a lot more than that.

Depression, happiness, and us -
We never quite mix do we?
Why have Mondays gone from sweet
To sour in a matter of hours?

I’ll take my own hand for this one.
And I’ll draw my own path.
And for anyone who has a problem with it –
Get the hell out of my way.

Taste

Three new tastes
But which to choose
Do I even get all three?
One seems to be…

It seems the only thing tangible
The only thing to come
But based off my past
The opportunity won’t last…

To get disconnected
Reconnected with smiles
Only to block out the other two
But with who…

So one is in the question
And I do think it’s a yes
Two and three are on the edge
About to fall off the thin ledge…

Both are quite far fetched
Only never to be seen again
But I guess they are possible
If only I am capable…

A new taste for nature?
And for something I hate
A new taste for what I want
But I think it’s just here to taunt…

Maybe with the first taste
I’ll get a clearer head
Or maybe I’ll forget the earlier two
Like no one ever knew…

Old Friends

Old friends come by my window
Tapping for permission in.
I refuse with haste although,
I’d love to commit the deadly sin.

The taste of a past addiction,
A metallic sensation of rush-
Leaves a young one in desolation,
With every second thought told to hush.

But he loves it relentlessly,
Never losing the desire.
It burns on endlessly,
An always hungry fire.

But he’s stronger,
Oh, he is.
Can he take it longer,
This addiction of his?

It scrapes at you ever so softly,
Convincing you it’s choice.
But ever so quietly,
It mutes his voice.

Impulse

Every cut starts with an impulse
And every impulse starts with a pressure
To be like everyone else
And why you cannot find the cure

Even the strongest walls break
Under the pressure of a thousand pressing hands
Muddy, wet, and cold, handprints they make
A thousand of them, each a grain of sand

Every wheezing child
Crying in a mother’s arm
Causes her complexion, so mild
Sends us into a state of panicked alarm

Tastes of tears, so bittersweet
Can’t overwhelm your impulse
All those faces you’ll never meet
Try to feel the dying pulse

All of these things swirling around
Not making much sense to the ear
Try to scream without a sound
Just trying to conceal the fear

The fear of the unknown
Unsaid, and undone
My regrets thrown
Out on the ground like a dirty night gown

To delicate to clean
To beautiful to destroy
Intentions not meant to be mean
You realize the knife could be a fun toy

The impulse suffocates
An arm now one more scar older
Your fear elevates
Emotions put out in a fire left to smolder

Drowning in Bad Thought

As I sit here in wonder
Marveling my self
I am simply
Drowning.
Self obsessing
Over a self
That hates what it’s
In.
Obsessing over a no self
Esteem freak
That thinks so
Bad.
Of himself
He hates himself
Obsessing over that
Thought.

Cloud 9

If you shook me
I wouldn’t feel it
If you whispered to me
I wouldn’t hear you

Cause I’m in the clouds
Dancing to a song
That only I
Can hear

An opiate of mine
A ridiculous obsession
And addiction so sweet
To be on my own

Jaded
Burned
Left out
But I don’t care

The ultimate
Seclusion
But seclusion
By choice

A Summertime Winter

I desire what I can’t
Holding back is all I’m allowed
Bringing back summertime memories
A book of faded mind photographs

It caught my eye
Even though it shouldn’t have
Their face, their laugh
But I can’t

So worry and frustration
Fill my mind
But I close my eyes
And take away the pain

But it’s only temporary
Because when I come back to reality
It just burns even more
Searing my mind and heart

But the next remembered summer
Is just around the bend
But the closer I get
The more dangerous it becomes

Just another chance
To make a friend
And lose another
Or lose them all at once

You hold your breath and wonder
If the upset is worth it
And you think of course
But something is stopping you

I’m taking the chance I’ve always wanted
Asking forbidden questions
All on the one night
In my summertime winter

Into Sound

I walk into sound
The barrier between real and make believe
Between to be’s and to conceive
Between me and you, across the sea

Falling into this world to the next
Soaring, ecstasy, into a world
That never grows tiresome
A last chance, to run away

Into a sound world
Numbing the drums
Of your tender ears
Forced to bear so much

To run into sound
Takes bravery none the less
To take the risk
Of pleasure and enjoyment

I walk into sound
Searching for a light
Other worldly light
Only to be taken away so quickly

My Best Friend

Sure I do
I have a best friend
Or at least a life long one
But a best
The one to lean to

I seem to search an awful lot
To find nothing at all
Because no one is like me
No, not at all
No one likes me like I want

You know that one person
Who wouldn’t think you’re crazy
No matter how crazy you are
And when you needed your time
They just knew

I feel so much pain
Not knowing why
Until now
I miss him
The friend I never had

Golden in the Sun

I’m golden in the sun
As I walk through the day
Laughing and caring less
Passing the day away

Looking like a shard of glass
I am clear, to the glance
But if you look
There is something in the way

Blocking you from me
And no one quite sees that
But me, oh yes, in full glance

And if you see through it
Through the glass
Into the night
Into the dark

You will see me
Black in the dark
Cold and alone
Just wishing I was golden

As I am portrayed
Through the day
Is just not me
Just look closer

And when the sun sets
Leaves all the golden behind
Maybe you will see the darkness
The darkness that pierces my glass

Maybe, just maybe
You will see me
Other than
Golden in the sun

Itemized

You don’t understand you fool, why can’t you see
That no matter what you do, you can’t buy me
You can’t just pay or write me a check
I’m furious now, what did you expect

Yes ‘ill give you my life, I won’t shed a tear
You madman, this is what you want to hear
Will you stop to hear the song of life
Will you let me calm and lose my strife

Your emotions are no more than a desert
Evil and dry, and all covered in dirt
The bill of life is much bigger than
All of the items you can fit in your hand

You think my pain will be healed by greed
If this is what you think, help is what you need
I’ve given up hope, lost all my reason
According to the time, it’s spending season

My Flame

Inside of the broken flesh
There is a heart
Full of flame

Ambition and hope
My flame
The flame receded to…

Recedes to a nothing
Frightened eyes
She put it out

The one I loved
Oh! Loved so dearly
Flooded the flame

My once so strong
My flame
No tears escape

My pitiful eyes
Emptied by sight
Of things not meant…

Not meant to be
Seen
Gone it is

My heart also
Dampness
Cold

Soulless, me & her
Sorrow to me
Evil to her

And then it’s over
Just like the
Flame

My flame
Igniting my dreams
Is out

Gone-forever
Or at least
Until next time

The next time
It sparks
From a new…

From a new
Heartbreaker
To be put out
-again-

A Chance Not Worth Taking

Yes, I know, what a terrible deed
Misleading I am, even though they plead
What they want I cannot serve
From their thoughts my actions will swerve

Watching my every movement, is what they do
An injury they cause, even though they knew
Evil is like black, the black on a crow
A horrid wound caused, unable to sew

Drapes closing to hide the scene
A truthful scene, so cold, so mean
To try to escape is foolish
A plan I’ve developed, no less than ghoulish

Fall to the ground, you broken heart
The time has come, you must part
For I was the instigator not
No matter how inconsiderately you thought

For I can not blame you for taking a chance
But you, not giving a second glace
You so immature, so out of reach
But you are the provoker, my feelings you did not breach

Confused Into Writing

Into the night
I write in thought
Tangled & a mess
Confusion, of course

A desire to write down
Though not knowing
What to feel
Inside just jot

A shitty piece
Of amateur art
For some great
None the less shit

The first work
Of what not to
Think of, including
Myself &all others

A format unknown
What imagination sparks
A deepest depth of what
Yet no passion is clear

The Unknown

There is a place
Called the unknown
There is a face
That has never been shown

A place, so cold
A place, so old
The unknown, so unforgiving
The unknown, so intimidating

The air, so crisp
The water so clear
Your target missed
The unknown is near

A forest, so deep
A forest, that weeps
A life, so sad
A life, so mad

The unknown, we fear
Please try not to shed a tear
The unknown, a mystery
Open your eyes and maybe you’ll see

Catch Some Sleep-An unfinished song...

I’d really like to try to catch some sleep
Each time I wind up trying not to weep
This crazy life drives me out the door
I wake up the next day, my body sore

My eyes are closing, but I force them open
It has been a year, and I haven’t spoken
There is no one to speak to, no one at all
My problems grow from short to tall

Dreams come to me, slowly now, I’m finally sleeping
But in my dreams, without surprise I am heavily weeping
Why is this so, for my life is not a demon
All my problems added up reach an unbearable sum