If you shook me
I wouldn’t feel it
If you whispered to me
I wouldn’t hear you
Cause I’m in the clouds
Dancing to a song
That only I
Can hear
An opiate of mine
A ridiculous obsession
And addiction so sweet
To be on my own
Jaded
Burned
Left out
But I don’t care
The ultimate
Seclusion
But seclusion
By choice
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Bleed it Out
I found it
I need it
And I’m bleeding it now
Bleeding it now, I’m bleeding it now
And I feel it
I breath it
And with every breath it hurts just a little bit more
Just a little bit more
And every time I open my eyes I’m seeing it now
And before times up I gather my stuff
And bleed it now
Bleed it now
And I knew him once, and I knew her twice
And each time it wasn’t so nice
Cause they bled it now
They bled it out
Please help them
Cause I’m falling with them
I’m falling hard
And we just keep bleeding it all out on the ground
And my life is so numb
From all our bleeding
Where’s our meaning
We can’t keep singing
We just keep bleeding
And a heart’s out on the ground
We scream for help without a sound
Without a sound
Without a sound
Cause it’s just here
And we’re just there
He’s bleeding it now
She’s bleeding it out
Please help them
Cause I’m falling with them
I’m falling hard
And we just keep bleeding it all out on the ground
My life is so numb
His smile is gone
And every time she picked it up
It won
Will we bleed it out
For years to come
Let us out
Please someone
I need it
And I’m bleeding it now
Bleeding it now, I’m bleeding it now
And I feel it
I breath it
And with every breath it hurts just a little bit more
Just a little bit more
And every time I open my eyes I’m seeing it now
And before times up I gather my stuff
And bleed it now
Bleed it now
And I knew him once, and I knew her twice
And each time it wasn’t so nice
Cause they bled it now
They bled it out
Please help them
Cause I’m falling with them
I’m falling hard
And we just keep bleeding it all out on the ground
And my life is so numb
From all our bleeding
Where’s our meaning
We can’t keep singing
We just keep bleeding
And a heart’s out on the ground
We scream for help without a sound
Without a sound
Without a sound
Cause it’s just here
And we’re just there
He’s bleeding it now
She’s bleeding it out
Please help them
Cause I’m falling with them
I’m falling hard
And we just keep bleeding it all out on the ground
My life is so numb
His smile is gone
And every time she picked it up
It won
Will we bleed it out
For years to come
Let us out
Please someone
A Summertime Winter
I desire what I can’t
Holding back is all I’m allowed
Bringing back summertime memories
A book of faded mind photographs
It caught my eye
Even though it shouldn’t have
Their face, their laugh
But I can’t
So worry and frustration
Fill my mind
But I close my eyes
And take away the pain
But it’s only temporary
Because when I come back to reality
It just burns even more
Searing my mind and heart
But the next remembered summer
Is just around the bend
But the closer I get
The more dangerous it becomes
Just another chance
To make a friend
And lose another
Or lose them all at once
You hold your breath and wonder
If the upset is worth it
And you think of course
But something is stopping you
I’m taking the chance I’ve always wanted
Asking forbidden questions
All on the one night
In my summertime winter
Holding back is all I’m allowed
Bringing back summertime memories
A book of faded mind photographs
It caught my eye
Even though it shouldn’t have
Their face, their laugh
But I can’t
So worry and frustration
Fill my mind
But I close my eyes
And take away the pain
But it’s only temporary
Because when I come back to reality
It just burns even more
Searing my mind and heart
But the next remembered summer
Is just around the bend
But the closer I get
The more dangerous it becomes
Just another chance
To make a friend
And lose another
Or lose them all at once
You hold your breath and wonder
If the upset is worth it
And you think of course
But something is stopping you
I’m taking the chance I’ve always wanted
Asking forbidden questions
All on the one night
In my summertime winter
Sunday, September 7, 2008
My Vibe
Was it instinct that told me he was dead, or was it the wretched smell oozing off of his body? Looking back, I believe it was a mixture of the two, blending together in perfect harmony. Death is a curious thing; it tends to strike at the strangest hours, in the most peculiar ways. My father’s death was no exception. He was in perfect health, mentally, emotionally, and physically, so when I stumbled upon his dead body, next to an opened bottle of pills, I suspected his level of happiness was not as high as I thought it was.
I walked into my home, which was toasty from being cooked in the sun all day. We lived in the Mojave, and heat was something we learned to live with. Sweat pooled over my brow, and I loped to the fridge to get something to quench my unbearable thirst. When the cool water met my lips I was drawn into a heavenly sensation, one that filled my entire body - that is until something went wrong.
Ever since I was a little boy I had been known to sense things. No, I did not see the dead, but I did tend to feel a lurking evil, a lingering fear in the air. When I was five my mother got into a car crash, a crash that took her life. When the phone rang I told my father, “The news is bad, prepare yourself.” The call was from the cops; my mother was dead. I had rarely felt this “vibe” since then, but occasionally I would get it.
When this sensation entered my body, interrupting my joy of the water, fear shot through my spine. I slowly lowered the glass from my lips, and set it onto the table. A chill went down my back and to my fingers, causing me to shiver ever so slightly. I smelled the air, almost looking as if I was a starving animal, trying to smell the air for a hint of blood. Instinct pointed me to the stairs. At least I like to say it was instinct, but deep down I knew that it was my gift, my gift to sense death.
I slowly climbed the stairs, knowing that no one had been in the house except my dad. I had left early in the morning, about 8, and it was now 4 in the afternoon. If my dad had passed away while I was gone he could’ve been baking for hours. I shuddered at the gut wrenching thought. It had been years, as I said before, since this “vibe” had come to me. I felt it when I was 5 years old. Now I was 13, but the “vibe” was as keen as ever.
I reached the top of the stairs, and peered down the hall. It seemed to grow as if it didn’t want me to reach the end of it, where of course, my father’s room was. Ignoring the strange illusion, I stepped off the final stair and into the hallway. I cautiously walked down the hallway, half expecting a beast to jump out of thin air. The “vibe” intensified. My site blurred, and I felt sick. I not only felt sick, but terrified. Whatever lay at the end of the hallway was not pretty.
I walked on, trying to disregard my sickening feeling. I could hear the heartbeat of my very own heart! Oh, it was terrible, a very miserable state of affairs. I had finally reached my destination: the end of the hallway, my father’s room. I bravely stepped in the room, and braced myself for what laid beyond the doors.
I held my breath, closed my eyes, cleared my mind, and reopened my eyes. The site that lay before sent me into a vortex of pain and confusion. The stench was probably the cause of the sick stomach, for the stench of dead human flesh had to be the worst. The stench belonged to my father, lying on his bed, face up, eyes opened, staring into space. His palms faced towards the ceiling, one containing a bottle of pills (opened and half empty), and the other a rolled up piece of paper.
I walked slowly towards the body, head turned away, with one hand plugging my nose. When I reached the body, I took the note from his hands, and left the room as fast as my legs could carry me. The note was short, and simple, but it explained it all.
Billy,
I love you and I’m sorry, but I can’t take it anymore. Your mom meant the world to me, and without her, well the world doesn’t mean much anymore. You are a wonderful son, but I can’t go on – I’m sorry for being a coward. Your Aunt Carry will take care of you. Love you much.
Dad
The first feeling I felt was anger. How could he abandon me? How could he leave me to fend for myself? Why didn’t he come to me for help? Why was he such a coward? This terrible feeling pulsed through my body for several moments, but then it was replaced with something new; sadness. A teardrop fell upon the note, blotching out the words I love you.
The note fell to the ground, for my grip loosened, and my hand came up to hold my head. My head hung, and I sobbed into my hands. I loved my father, he was all I had left. He meant the world to me, and without him, well the world didn’t mean much anymore. A coward entered me, but I shooed it away. My parents taught me to be brave. I would live on in my family’s name, and nothing was going to bring me down.
The funeral wasn’t anything amazing. I didn’t cry, not once. I was done crying, done grieving. I needed to be strong for Aunt Carry – Dad was her only brother, her only sibling. The funeral ended and I got into my aunt’s car. She joined me momentarily. Wiping the tears away from her eyes, which were stained from running mascara, and she smiled to me.
“Thank you for being strong Billy. You’re a good lad,” she said with sadness in her voice.
“Anytime, anytime,” I replied as the car pulled away from the graveyard and off into my next chapter of life.
What I did not tell her was that my “vibe” was back, and it was pointing in her direction.
I walked into my home, which was toasty from being cooked in the sun all day. We lived in the Mojave, and heat was something we learned to live with. Sweat pooled over my brow, and I loped to the fridge to get something to quench my unbearable thirst. When the cool water met my lips I was drawn into a heavenly sensation, one that filled my entire body - that is until something went wrong.
Ever since I was a little boy I had been known to sense things. No, I did not see the dead, but I did tend to feel a lurking evil, a lingering fear in the air. When I was five my mother got into a car crash, a crash that took her life. When the phone rang I told my father, “The news is bad, prepare yourself.” The call was from the cops; my mother was dead. I had rarely felt this “vibe” since then, but occasionally I would get it.
When this sensation entered my body, interrupting my joy of the water, fear shot through my spine. I slowly lowered the glass from my lips, and set it onto the table. A chill went down my back and to my fingers, causing me to shiver ever so slightly. I smelled the air, almost looking as if I was a starving animal, trying to smell the air for a hint of blood. Instinct pointed me to the stairs. At least I like to say it was instinct, but deep down I knew that it was my gift, my gift to sense death.
I slowly climbed the stairs, knowing that no one had been in the house except my dad. I had left early in the morning, about 8, and it was now 4 in the afternoon. If my dad had passed away while I was gone he could’ve been baking for hours. I shuddered at the gut wrenching thought. It had been years, as I said before, since this “vibe” had come to me. I felt it when I was 5 years old. Now I was 13, but the “vibe” was as keen as ever.
I reached the top of the stairs, and peered down the hall. It seemed to grow as if it didn’t want me to reach the end of it, where of course, my father’s room was. Ignoring the strange illusion, I stepped off the final stair and into the hallway. I cautiously walked down the hallway, half expecting a beast to jump out of thin air. The “vibe” intensified. My site blurred, and I felt sick. I not only felt sick, but terrified. Whatever lay at the end of the hallway was not pretty.
I walked on, trying to disregard my sickening feeling. I could hear the heartbeat of my very own heart! Oh, it was terrible, a very miserable state of affairs. I had finally reached my destination: the end of the hallway, my father’s room. I bravely stepped in the room, and braced myself for what laid beyond the doors.
I held my breath, closed my eyes, cleared my mind, and reopened my eyes. The site that lay before sent me into a vortex of pain and confusion. The stench was probably the cause of the sick stomach, for the stench of dead human flesh had to be the worst. The stench belonged to my father, lying on his bed, face up, eyes opened, staring into space. His palms faced towards the ceiling, one containing a bottle of pills (opened and half empty), and the other a rolled up piece of paper.
I walked slowly towards the body, head turned away, with one hand plugging my nose. When I reached the body, I took the note from his hands, and left the room as fast as my legs could carry me. The note was short, and simple, but it explained it all.
Billy,
I love you and I’m sorry, but I can’t take it anymore. Your mom meant the world to me, and without her, well the world doesn’t mean much anymore. You are a wonderful son, but I can’t go on – I’m sorry for being a coward. Your Aunt Carry will take care of you. Love you much.
Dad
The first feeling I felt was anger. How could he abandon me? How could he leave me to fend for myself? Why didn’t he come to me for help? Why was he such a coward? This terrible feeling pulsed through my body for several moments, but then it was replaced with something new; sadness. A teardrop fell upon the note, blotching out the words I love you.
The note fell to the ground, for my grip loosened, and my hand came up to hold my head. My head hung, and I sobbed into my hands. I loved my father, he was all I had left. He meant the world to me, and without him, well the world didn’t mean much anymore. A coward entered me, but I shooed it away. My parents taught me to be brave. I would live on in my family’s name, and nothing was going to bring me down.
The funeral wasn’t anything amazing. I didn’t cry, not once. I was done crying, done grieving. I needed to be strong for Aunt Carry – Dad was her only brother, her only sibling. The funeral ended and I got into my aunt’s car. She joined me momentarily. Wiping the tears away from her eyes, which were stained from running mascara, and she smiled to me.
“Thank you for being strong Billy. You’re a good lad,” she said with sadness in her voice.
“Anytime, anytime,” I replied as the car pulled away from the graveyard and off into my next chapter of life.
What I did not tell her was that my “vibe” was back, and it was pointing in her direction.
You're Tricking Me
I stood waiting for the 5 o’clock bus, in the cold, wet weather. I looked at my watch; 4:59. For some reason I doubted the bus would ever show up. I began to grow impatient, and my heart rate increased. This always happened when I got mad, always. My cell rung. I pulled it out of my pocket, and flipped it open.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Dad, it’s me, John,” said my son. He sounded high-strung, anxious.
“Yes? What do you need?” I said, slightly worried.
“Where’s mom?” he asked urgently.
“Well she’s standing right next to me,” I responding, glancing beside me towards my wife.
“You’re lying to me, you’re tricking me!” he hollered into the phone.
“Son, what are you-“ The line went dead. I looked back to my wife, and she read my face.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“It’s John, I think he’s in trouble.” She didn’t respond, but when the bus pulled up we got on as fast as our legs could carry us.
We arrived at home and busted through the doors.
“John!” I hollered, followed by my wife. Silence, absolute silence. It was almost deafening.
John appeared at the top of the staircase. He looked frightened, terrified. He breathed heavily, I could hear it from downstairs. The whole house seemed to be on edge. My wife looked to me to say something.
“John, what’s wrong?” I asked as calmly as I could.
“You know what’s wrong!” he shouted. “You lie to me, you trick me, my phone told me so.” My heart went into a frenzy. Was my son crazy?
“Honey, what do you mean your phone told you?” my wife asked.
“It told me everything. Mom was here the whole time, you didn’t think I’d notice. But when I called her name she wouldn’t answer. You’re trying to scare me,” he said chillingly.
“John, come here,” I requested. Surprisingly he obeyed. He slowly moved down the stairs, looking terrified as he did before. “Now tell me, did you take your medication this morning?”
My son was schizophrenic, and he needed to take medicine for it every morning.
“What medicine? It told me you would ask me that. It told me!” My son was furious. His eyes filled up with tears. “Help,” he whispered.
My wife rushed over and held him close. She began crying as well. I went into the kitchen where his pills were located, and grabbed one. I brought it over to him.
“Now just swallow this and you’ll be alright,” I told him. He nodded and swallowed the pill.
“I’ll put him to bed,” my wife said. She took him up the stairs and I walked into the living room, plopped onto the sofa, and shut my eyes. I felt terrible for John, it must be terrifying to see and hear people that aren’t really there.
My wife entered the room and sat beside me.
“I think he’ll be alright,” she whispered.
“That’s what we said before we left,” I replied. Her arm wrapped around my shoulder, and I forced a smile.
“So how about we see the doctor tomorrow, see if we need a new medication.”
“I guess, what’s the harm?” I stared at the ceiling fan and the twirling blades made me feel very tired and woozy. I slowly drifted to sleep.
A hand touched my shoulder. I opened my eyes, and the world was hazy for a moment. My son stood above me. He was crying.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’m sorry, I had to throw out my phone,” he said sounding very ashamed of himself.
“Why?” I asked. I was very confused. Why would he throw away his phone?
“It was lying to me. It said you didn’t love me, but I know you do.”
“Yes I do love you son.”
“It was tricking me.” He sat in my lap, closed his eyes, and fell into a very deep sleep.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Dad, it’s me, John,” said my son. He sounded high-strung, anxious.
“Yes? What do you need?” I said, slightly worried.
“Where’s mom?” he asked urgently.
“Well she’s standing right next to me,” I responding, glancing beside me towards my wife.
“You’re lying to me, you’re tricking me!” he hollered into the phone.
“Son, what are you-“ The line went dead. I looked back to my wife, and she read my face.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“It’s John, I think he’s in trouble.” She didn’t respond, but when the bus pulled up we got on as fast as our legs could carry us.
We arrived at home and busted through the doors.
“John!” I hollered, followed by my wife. Silence, absolute silence. It was almost deafening.
John appeared at the top of the staircase. He looked frightened, terrified. He breathed heavily, I could hear it from downstairs. The whole house seemed to be on edge. My wife looked to me to say something.
“John, what’s wrong?” I asked as calmly as I could.
“You know what’s wrong!” he shouted. “You lie to me, you trick me, my phone told me so.” My heart went into a frenzy. Was my son crazy?
“Honey, what do you mean your phone told you?” my wife asked.
“It told me everything. Mom was here the whole time, you didn’t think I’d notice. But when I called her name she wouldn’t answer. You’re trying to scare me,” he said chillingly.
“John, come here,” I requested. Surprisingly he obeyed. He slowly moved down the stairs, looking terrified as he did before. “Now tell me, did you take your medication this morning?”
My son was schizophrenic, and he needed to take medicine for it every morning.
“What medicine? It told me you would ask me that. It told me!” My son was furious. His eyes filled up with tears. “Help,” he whispered.
My wife rushed over and held him close. She began crying as well. I went into the kitchen where his pills were located, and grabbed one. I brought it over to him.
“Now just swallow this and you’ll be alright,” I told him. He nodded and swallowed the pill.
“I’ll put him to bed,” my wife said. She took him up the stairs and I walked into the living room, plopped onto the sofa, and shut my eyes. I felt terrible for John, it must be terrifying to see and hear people that aren’t really there.
My wife entered the room and sat beside me.
“I think he’ll be alright,” she whispered.
“That’s what we said before we left,” I replied. Her arm wrapped around my shoulder, and I forced a smile.
“So how about we see the doctor tomorrow, see if we need a new medication.”
“I guess, what’s the harm?” I stared at the ceiling fan and the twirling blades made me feel very tired and woozy. I slowly drifted to sleep.
A hand touched my shoulder. I opened my eyes, and the world was hazy for a moment. My son stood above me. He was crying.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’m sorry, I had to throw out my phone,” he said sounding very ashamed of himself.
“Why?” I asked. I was very confused. Why would he throw away his phone?
“It was lying to me. It said you didn’t love me, but I know you do.”
“Yes I do love you son.”
“It was tricking me.” He sat in my lap, closed his eyes, and fell into a very deep sleep.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Handwritten, Authentic Grey Sanders Poems
A while back I was planning on publishing a compiliation of poems and short stories. I decided against it because I was running into alot of technical difficulties. So, instead, if you decide that you love one of my poems/short stories and want a handwritten copy you can get one. I will write a copy for you, 50 cent/page (front of page = one page). If you are interested post a comment with the poem and your email address, phone #, or other means of contact, and I will get back to you.
Grey
Grey
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Breathing?
Breathing?
LEGEND
(-) means hold note (;) pause
(yu-oo) break up syllables (_) trail off
(…) get quieter
(///) get louder
-VERSE 1-
All these faces
Familiar faces
Fade a-way -----
These pacing rooms
These; empty rooms
Are filled with words
-BRIDGE-
I’m just losing grip
Just; falling da-own
Crashing to the grou-ound…
Breaking every bone
In my frail bo-ody… ; now
-CHOROUS-
But, I can’t Breath///
I’d like to force a smile
Every once and a while
But I am choking
Just suffocating
Losing sight
Losing might
Am I really
Breathing?...
-VERSE 2-
Painted onto a ble-eek ----
Canvas__
Washed away by your
Hate.
Smiles gone; no one has wo-ooon
My heart, my soul, am I even---
Alive?
-CHOROUS-
(Louder than first time)
-CONCLUSION-
Am I breathing?
Am I alive…___
(-) means hold note (;) pause
(yu-oo) break up syllables (_) trail off
(…) get quieter
(///) get louder
-VERSE 1-
All these faces
Familiar faces
Fade a-way -----
These pacing rooms
These; empty rooms
Are filled with words
-BRIDGE-
I’m just losing grip
Just; falling da-own
Crashing to the grou-ound…
Breaking every bone
In my frail bo-ody… ; now
-CHOROUS-
But, I can’t Breath///
I’d like to force a smile
Every once and a while
But I am choking
Just suffocating
Losing sight
Losing might
Am I really
Breathing?...
-VERSE 2-
Painted onto a ble-eek ----
Canvas__
Washed away by your
Hate.
Smiles gone; no one has wo-ooon
My heart, my soul, am I even---
Alive?
-CHOROUS-
(Louder than first time)
-CONCLUSION-
Am I breathing?
Am I alive…___
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