45 lives have been lost
A painful, cold death
Remember them we must
Take in life’s breath
Saving them has no point
For there is no chance
We use them like a joint
Using them without a second glance
Watching as their lives slowly pass by
Watching as they start to crumble
Watching as they begin to die
Watching as they stumble
Life is not to be tossed around
Not to be taken for granted
We have life sitting there like a song without sound
The world is no longer enchanted
I hate to say it
But we are trapped
In our own s***
Our futures have been mapped
We hang on a thread
Mankind is coming to an end
The world is practically dead
This is the message we must send
We find the lives lost are soon going to be ours
We race to find the cure
We are shooting for the stars
We will not win, I am for sure
We are stuck in our own labyrinth
Lost inside the mess
Lost in the darkest depth
We are cast into darkness
Seconds remain
Before the end
The future is a stain
That you cannot mend
45 lives have been lost
A painful, cold death
Remember them we must
Take in life’s precious breath
3 comments:
That's AMAZING. It really might be the most sophisticated poem I've ever read. Well done, CJ.
some constructive criticism:
stanza2, line4: you said "using them without a second glance"
-personally i think simply "without a second glance" would flow better
stanza3, lines2&4: you said
"watching as they start to crumble/ /watching as they stumble"
-i think "watching as they start to stumble/ /watching as they crumble" would work better because as humans, we stumble before we die, then crumble
stanza4, line3: you said "we have life sitting there like a song without sound"
-i prefer just "we have likfe sitting there like a silent song"
stanza6, line2: you said "mankind is coming to an end"
-i like this better "as we come to an end"
stanza7, line4: you said "we will not win, i am for sure"
-try "of that i am sure"
stanza8, line3: you said "lost in the darkest depth"
-because you say darkest here and then soon after say darkness, it doesn't flow as well. try "lightless" or "deepest" instead of "darkest"
stanza9, line4: try "we" instead of "you" to continue the point of view [in this case, first person] don't switch to third
okay wayde. that's it. i really liked the poem although it was a bit depressing. it was really really good though. gorgeous, keep it up. <3 charr
wow that is really deep and totally true!!! it reminds us that we should live ours live while we still have them!!!!
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