Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Courtesy Pink Floyd)

ShInE oN yOu CrAzY dIaMoNd
July 15, 2009

Ok, so I can’t mess this up. Messing up is something that seems to come easy to me. For some it’s athletics, and to others academics. And even those who don’t possess a bold natural talent usual seem to do at least okay in something at least somewhat useful. But me, I’m useful at nothing but being useless and annoying. I get in the way of things. Teamwork in my life means ‘Jacob you sit down and we’ll do the work for you’. No, that doesn’t mean that I have such good friends that they’ll do my work for me, no. it means that I’m such a bother that it is easier for my teammates to push me to the side than utilize my presence in the group. Hell, they won’t even let me take on everyone’s’ least favorite role – the presenter. So I’m not even worthy enough for something that most people avoid at almost any cost.
When I was younger I used to aspire to be something eventually. I always thought that one day I would get my day to shine. And even if I didn’t get to experience the thrill of the spotlight I would get the chance to discover some sort of hidden talent. Maybe something exotic such a calligraphy or acrobatics. But as my luck always is I found no such talent. So as I aged I began to believe in nothing but a life full of dullness and a life full of being the extra in a team. Sure, this was a bit gloomy and disappointing. I mean who wants to aspire into a nobody? But trust me, you become accustomed to being ‘face’ in the back of the class. In the beginning you think that you must look like you blend into the wall, but after a while, you feel like you painted yourself right into the background.
It’s almost gotten to the point where I forget my own existence. Oftentimes I find myself gazing at the bricks in a wall and completely forget where I am and who I am. As if I had never existed. Now as you read…as you read I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. Showing me sympathy would no longer allow me to play my role as the one who takes up no energy for others. I wouldn’t want to disrupt yet another persons’ day would I? I mean in the harsh truth is that I’d prefer to be ignored. Being ignored is an adjustment, but once you get the hang of it you arrive in a place that is very desirable. In my own world I don’t have to worry about offending anyone. I don’t have to watch what I say, because, well basically, I don’t really say much of anything at all. The only thing I have to be responsible for is my own thoughts and well being. And when there are no outside forces threatening your well being there’s not too much to be concerned about. So, don’t be sad for me, don’t feel heartbroken. If anything feel jealousy.
Though I have become almost irrelevant in the world, and though I don’t really care, but rather prefer it, that does not mean I don’t ponder the reason as to why I turned out this way. Shyness, possible. Lack of social wisdom, possible. Luck of the draw, that’s what I think. I never did anything or said anything to really become completely isolated. Life and fate work hand and hand. Life decided that I was to be a loner and fate carried it out.
…
So there was a kitchen table in front of me and I was planted in the same uncomfortable kitchen table chair my family had always owned. Several inches away from my face was a birthday cake with 16 candles and around me was my family singing the same melody billions of people hear every year. This whole scene took me back a few years. I was eleven and my birthday cake was being sliced. All around me where smiles. I was too busy hoping that my wish to get a bicycle would come true. This was time where I wasn’t just a face. I had a name. I had friends. I had a smile.
Back to the big 16. I leaned in to blow out the candles and I wished that I could fast forward to 22. Out of college and on my own. Maybe then I could aspire to something. As I exhaled something strange occurred. I blacked out. I felt the ground beneath me and breath on my face. I heard voices. They were blurred. And I was scared. Would I never become more than I already was?
I opened my eyes. My family gazes met my own. I was in a hospital bed. My mother’s smile met me and I smiled myself.
“Did you eat the cake?” I asked.
“Oh, Jacob, you’re back.”
“Um, I’m confused. Two minutes ago we were at my sixteenth birthday celebration.”
“Jacob, five years ago you passed out and never woke up. You’ve been comatose for five years. Today is your sixteenth birthday.”
I was speechless. I closed my eyes, took a breath, and looked in the other direction, opening my eyes again. I saw four other teenagers in the room.
“Who are these kids?” I asked.
“They’re your friends Jacob. And they are so glad to have you back.”

New Work as of July 2 2009

I went through my writing and found 6 things that have not been posted.
They are --

Taste
Love Of Mine, Someday You Will Die
Chances
My Process
Embers
You Tell Me?

Let Me Know What You Think.

You Tell Me?

So do I lie?
Have I buried my feet deep underneath
The sand castles built by my
Cracked hands?

Do I deceive not only you,
But myself and my own heart?
Do I take myself for granted?
Or do I lie about the whole matter entirely?

Is it true what I tell you
When I look into your eyes
Dead ahead,
Without a skipping of my voice?

Lies are a part of my heart
A part of my mind
A part of my soul
And I’m sure any god would agree.

But you should ask yourself
Why would he lie?
Why would he deceive them all?
There must be a reason, right?

Right is right.
As long as a lie didn’t answer
For me
Or truth twisted itself in my hands.

So, in the end, do I lie?
Are my feet buried deep
In damp sand unable to break?
Well, you tell me.

Embers

Here I sit weeping
As if a thousand hot embers
Scraped my skin, with fury and angst
I try to form a thought, a speculation
But all that’s left is the dull ringing
Of a silence unwelcomed
By sore ears.

Willow tree branches licking my face
The breeze wraps itself around me
And the wild grasses pull me down
Into the ground, rooting me
Where I shall forever be seated.

In a state of complete emptiness
A clotted circulation of overused thoughts
Desires snuffed out with delicate execution
But the tears roll down dirt covered cheeks
Cleaning the torn face.

I seem to be in a place never ventured into
For I had never dared to let a spec
Of evidence through to the surface
That deep inside I was just like you
I was hurting like any person can.

I’m tasting a sensation never tasted
Smelling a gust of smells, new to the mind
Twirling around in bliss caused
By absolute and total misery
And the embers keep scraping.

Whipped up by the breeze of a thousand whispers
Whispers of secrets and untold lies
Hushed voices, daring to say ‘forever’
Daring to feel the absolute intimidation of the word ‘love’
And venturing into a land not ventured before.

I can close the book of a bad tale
And I can open to a new page
Fresh and alive with new promises and
Melancholies, but I still strive
Is this from my heart or my mind?

Whether it be mind
Whether it be heart
For once in forever
They may just be working in unison
And the tears stream down.

My Process

**EXPLICIT**

I took you as something special the first f***ing time I met you
And you turn around and shove it down my f***ing throat
Like I’m sh*t to you, like the sh*t on the bottom of your shoe
Well f**k you, you stupid son of a b***h
The worst f***ing part is you don’t even know you’re killing me
So should I just not give a damn?
No, f**k that, I should consume my g*d damn life around grasping for an unrealistic fantasy
That’s what you want from me anyways, f**k you, f**k you
I told you so many damn lies, this is what I get
But it wouldn’t have made a damn difference anyways
I would still wind up getting absolutely nothing but sh***y luck and a sh*t load of sadness
Anger and desperation, go to hell you stupid bastard
I hate you with a passion stronger than a F***ing million g*d damn suns
It’s all just wasted anger
Just wasted time, g*d damn time
I’ve wasted enough already what’s another four f***ing months in my life?
I hope when I pull the f***ing trigger
You get the picture bright and f***ing clear
It was your fault you g*d damn a** hole
It was your fault my f***ing corpse is laying at your feet
I hope you can live with yourself you dirt bag
Go to hell m****rf***er
But the love I feel towards you wins
And I wind up feeling like the sh*t I feel like now yet again
It’s just a process
A process you always win and a process that leaves me grasping for oxygen

Chances

(this by far is not my best work, nor my favorite, but - it was thrown together very fast and very spur of the moment. i tried to work on figurative language and interesting metaphors. this is an unusual kind of piece for me so see what you think...)


Chances laugh like children swinging
The sun setting, mothers calling
Begging to stay out later
They laugh and laugh for as long as time allows them
Come and go like seasons running wild
For the forty year old man who can’t seem
To just get a grip on where all the time went
It raced by in a blur
They wave, sometimes smiling, sometimes crying
And sometimes you don’t even realize they’ve gone by
You just wish to god one will come back
So you can ride it to a fate that you chose
An elderly strolling down a street
Attempting to keep up with even the slowest of movers
Crying out on the inside trying to break loose
From the wrinkles and old memories
Old chances he did or did not take
Regrets he does and does not have
Life is full of chance
And full of chance to regret the chances you took
Wait for me please
Stop for just a moment, all I want is to see you
To see this slim chance at least look at me
Acknowledge my existence
But chances don’t come in part
They come in full, smacking you in the face
Whether you’re ready or not
And half the time you didn’t even know the chance was there at all.

Love Of Mine, Someday You Will Die (Courtesty DCFC)

Let me ask you this-
When did it all start?
But more importantly-
When is it all going to end?

When does something so perfect,
So beautifully crafted,
Hit the ground and squirm,
Till death strikes it hard?

How did this seem so nice?
How could our eyes deceive us?
I feel like I’m down to him and me,
But where did the others go?

Was it not 10 moons ago we held
Each other tight and sound?
Was it not an eye blink ago
When she strode nicely beside?

Twenty-four, what a funny number,
Enough to turn stomachs upside down,
And enough for fallen friendships to
Bitterly end and die.

I’m not quite sure where the lines lie,
Other than nowhere near site –
Could it really be a matter of hours,
That he has just given up?

Literally or not, we all are bent,
Twisted, and broken.
Three days time I said goodbye
And in two hours he said a lot more than that.

Depression, happiness, and us -
We never quite mix do we?
Why have Mondays gone from sweet
To sour in a matter of hours?

I’ll take my own hand for this one.
And I’ll draw my own path.
And for anyone who has a problem with it –
Get the hell out of my way.